“But there’s a problem with that… *all* Yanks are mad.”
-Michael, who drinks only Cider
Michael may be right. This one is different, however.
I have seen photos of him inexplicably taken across centuries. I’ve seen the paintings with the telltale monogram emblazoned on the subject. I’ve read the articles describing his eccentric claims and practices.
Why does he cover his Hot Liquor Tank in blankets? Is it, as the rumors suggest, to make the tank feel safer at night, or is that merely a story concocted by his followers? Is there any validity to the reports of him singing to the grains in the field to sooth them before harvest?
Is he a time-traveller, as some have suggested, or does he step between different versions of the universe, as others claim, with himself the only constant?
Could it all be the work of a dedicated few, spanning multiple generations, and if so then what is the goal? While this seems the most rational explanation, there are certain facts that cannot be reconciled this way.
What about the stories of his time serving as a ninja aboard a nuclear submarine, or the reports that he possesses some form of cloaking technology so advanced that he can disappear at will? Is the beer he is consistently seen making his own personal fountain of youth? Will he ever pay me for writing this drivel for him?
It is here I will endeavor to report on my findings; here that we may discover, or debunk, the truth behind the Legend of the Mad Yank.
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