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Your Future is Bright, Even if You Aren’t

Wait, you actually clicked that link? I hope you’re not seriously looking for advice here. If you are, take a moment to consider your life choices.

You’re still here?

I really didn’t think anyone was going to come in here, so I didn’t prepare anything. I just thought the summary link would look cool on the front page. Well, alright, I guess we’re in this together now; let’s do this!

CAPRICORN (Dec22 – Jan19)
You’ve been telling yourself that reaching 10,000 untappd check-ins is an ambition, but everyone else thinks you have a drinking problem. Maybe slow it down a bit and have a few glasses of water.

AQUARIUS (Jan20 – Feb17)
You like to plan ahead, so plan on drinking alone for the foreseeable future, which is infinitely more enjoyable (for everyone around you).

PISCES (Feb18 – Mar19)
When people tell you “you’re in touch with your emotional side”, what they really mean is you’re a burden and you make them uncomfortable.

ARIES (Mar20 – Apr19)
Nobody likes you.

TAURUS (Apr20 – May20)
You tell people you like comfort and security, which is probably true seeing as you’re clutching a lager in your mom’s basement.

GEMINI (May21 – Jun20)
People often seek your wisdom because you’ve made every mistake possible. I’d tell you to cash in on that, but you’d go broke trying.

CANCER (Jun21 – Jul22)
This is definitely not the time to stop spending time with your “bubble”, especially since you’re the only one in it.

LEO (Jul23 – Aug22)
It’s a good thing you’re totally into you because nobody else is.

VIRGO (Aug23 – Sep22)
Perfectionism is a curse. Not because you’ve never known happiness (spoiler alert: you never will), but because the rest of us have to listen to your diatribes on why they shouldn’t like the beers they do.

LIBRA (Sep23 – Oct23)
For cryin’ out loud, kid – your inability to make a simple decision is giving everyone around you anxiety. Just order a damn flight and get out of the way.

SCORPIO (Oct24 – Nov21)
The difference between “passionate” and “crazy” is a matter of wealth. You brought homebrew to the bottle share, so guess which type that makes you?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov22 – Dec21)
Going out of your way to make people smile hasn’t been working out for you because you’re the poster child for awkward.


I read my horoscope on and now I need a drink.