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the Beer Baroness: What We Know

Artist sketch of Larissa based on no witness accounts.

Strictly speaking, she can’t actually be called a “baroness”, which is defined as:

baroness |ˈberənəs| noun
• the wife or widow of a baron. The term “Baroness” is not used as a form of address in Britain, baronesses usually being referred to as “Lady.”

So far as we know, she’s not the widow of anyone, let alone a baron. As for “lady”? Ha! That’s rich. Title or no, that word has never applied to her, according to our research. Here’s what we do know:

  • She was captain of the rugby team in college. Twice.
  • She’s broken multiple fingers more than once – how is a bit of a mystery, but it wasn’t while picking out hats for Ascot.
  • She’s been to Ascot.
  • An unconfirmed report describes how she fashioned a pair of reins out of a bedsheet during childbirth and proceeded to slap* them while yelling, “heeyah!”
    (*If true, it demonstrates she is not a rider, as this is only done in the movies.)

None of that, however, seems to indicate how she came to be the Director of a small nanobrewery.

It’s a matter of public record that she owns a 50% stake in The Mad Yank Brewery, the other half belonging to her presumed husband. As neither owns a majority stake, they allegedly resolve all issues through a combination of physical combat implements and an old method of arbitration: Boxing Gloves at 50 Paces.

Evidence exists that she once worked for a global fitness corporation, residing over the marketing department for the European branch of the company. Witnesses claim she departed the company after buying “a one-way ticket to Hawai’i” shortly after earning a pay raise.


Ladies take a seat. The women are talking.