Author: Grant

“But there’s a problem with that… *all* Yanks are mad.”

-Michael, who drinks only Cider

Michael may be right. This one is different, however.

I have seen photos of him inexplicably taken across centuries. I’ve seen the paintings with the telltale monogram emblazoned on the subject. I’ve read the articles describing his eccentric claims and practices.

Why does he cover his Hot Liquor Tank in blankets? Is it, as the rumors suggest, to make the tank feel safer at night, or is that merely a story concocted by his followers? Is there any validity to the reports of him singing to the grains in the field to sooth them before harvest?

Is he a time-traveller, as some have suggested, or does he step between different versions of the universe, as others claim, with himself the only constant?

Could it all be the work of a dedicated few, spanning multiple generations, and if so then what is the goal? While this seems the most rational explanation, there are certain facts that cannot be reconciled this way.

What about the stories of his time serving as a ninja aboard a nuclear submarine, or the reports that he possesses some form of cloaking technology so advanced that he can disappear at will? Is the beer he is consistently seen making his own personal fountain of youth? Will he ever pay me for writing this drivel for him?

It is here I will endeavor to report on my findings; here that we may discover, or debunk, the truth behind the Legend of the Mad Yank.

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Building up an art portfolio is hard work. That it takes time and dedication is hardly a secret, but the extremes that artists go to in order to reach their peak form is something most of us only know by name: bulking and cutting.

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential for artistic gains or get inspired for a sitting, but that’s the territory of sculptors,” says Mire Veli. “For a lot of people who are just looking to build art portfolios, a ‘lean realism’ or even ‘social recomposition’ training phase is the order of the day. This means gaining modern art at a slightly slower rate but without the accompanying psychotic breakdown.”

“When I cut I took my post-modernism too low and in the process worked off a lot of the grand narratives that I had gained. The phases would cross over for a few weeks, where I would look at the world through a dystopian lens and feel good, but I wanted to be moody and brooding all year round. It really wasn’t satisfying.”

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential…”

– Mire Veli

“I would advise three total-body art exercises each week, with a modest cubism surplus on training days. For the neo-expressionism days, if you sketch enough human form to break even, or even have a slight deficit, you can avoid piling on American self-expression (in the form of body fat).”

“Using this method, you’ll gradually improve your portfolio and eventually be in multiple exhibitions pretty much year-round, which if you aren’t on a competition schedule is a much more comfortable place to be,” concluded Mire.

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