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The Legend of The Mad Yank

“But there’s a problem with that… *all* Yanks are mad.”

-Michael, who drinks only Cider

Michael may be right. This one is different, however.

I have seen photos of him inexplicably taken across centuries. I’ve seen the paintings with the telltale monogram emblazoned on the subject. I’ve read the articles describing his eccentric claims and practices.

Why does he cover his Hot Liquor Tank in blankets? Is it, as the rumors suggest, to make the tank feel safer at night, or is that merely a story concocted by his followers? Is there any validity to the reports of him singing to the grains in the field to sooth them before harvest?

Is he a time-traveller, as some have suggested, or does he step between different versions of the universe, as others claim, with himself the only constant?

Another sighting, or just a dirty lens?

Could it all be the work of a dedicated few, spanning multiple generations, and if so then what is the goal? While this seems the most rational explanation, there are certain facts that cannot be reconciled this way.

What about the stories of his time serving as a ninja aboard a nuclear submarine, or the reports that he possesses some form of cloaking technology so advanced that he can disappear at will? Is the beer he is consistently seen making his own personal fountain of youth? Will he ever pay me for writing this drivel for him?

It is here I will endeavor to report on my findings; here that we may discover, or debunk, the truth behind the Legend of the Mad Yank.


I’ve begun my search for the Mad Yank.

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Starving Artist Upgraded to “Slightly Lean”

Building up an art portfolio is hard work. That it takes time and dedication is hardly a secret, but the extremes that artists go to in order to reach their peak form is something most of us only know by name: bulking and cutting.

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential for artistic gains or get inspired for a sitting, but that’s the territory of sculptors,” says Mire Veli. “For a lot of people who are just looking to build art portfolios, a ‘lean realism’ or even ‘social recomposition’ training phase is the order of the day. This means gaining modern art at a slightly slower rate but without the accompanying psychotic breakdown.”

“When I cut I took my post-modernism too low and in the process worked off a lot of the grand narratives that I had gained. The phases would cross over for a few weeks, where I would look at the world through a dystopian lens and feel good, but I wanted to be moody and brooding all year round. It really wasn’t satisfying.”

Mislitel, 2002

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential…”

– Mire Veli

“I would advise three total-body art exercises each week, with a modest cubism surplus on training days. For the neo-expressionism days, if you sketch enough human form to break even, or even have a slight deficit, you can avoid piling on American self-expression (in the form of body fat).”

“Using this method, you’ll gradually improve your portfolio and eventually be in multiple exhibitions pretty much year-round, which if you aren’t on a competition schedule is a much more comfortable place to be,” concluded Mire.


The Mad Yank told me that clicking this button was a form of performance art.

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Your Future is Bright, Even if You Aren’t

Wait, you actually clicked that link? I hope you’re not seriously looking for advice here. If you are, take a moment to consider your life choices.

You’re still here?

I really didn’t think anyone was going to come in here, so I didn’t prepare anything. I just thought the summary link would look cool on the front page. Well, alright, I guess we’re in this together now; let’s do this!

CAPRICORN (Dec22 – Jan19)
You’ve been telling yourself that reaching 10,000 untappd check-ins is an ambition, but everyone else thinks you have a drinking problem. Maybe slow it down a bit and have a few glasses of water.

AQUARIUS (Jan20 – Feb17)
You like to plan ahead, so plan on drinking alone for the foreseeable future, which is infinitely more enjoyable (for everyone around you).

PISCES (Feb18 – Mar19)
When people tell you “you’re in touch with your emotional side”, what they really mean is you’re a burden and you make them uncomfortable.

ARIES (Mar20 – Apr19)
Nobody likes you.

TAURUS (Apr20 – May20)
You tell people you like comfort and security, which is probably true seeing as you’re clutching a lager in your mom’s basement.

GEMINI (May21 – Jun20)
People often seek your wisdom because you’ve made every mistake possible. I’d tell you to cash in on that, but you’d go broke trying.

CANCER (Jun21 – Jul22)
This is definitely not the time to stop spending time with your “bubble”, especially since you’re the only one in it.

LEO (Jul23 – Aug22)
It’s a good thing you’re totally into you because nobody else is.

VIRGO (Aug23 – Sep22)
Perfectionism is a curse. Not because you’ve never known happiness (spoiler alert: you never will), but because the rest of us have to listen to your diatribes on why they shouldn’t like the beers they do.

LIBRA (Sep23 – Oct23)
For cryin’ out loud, kid – your inability to make a simple decision is giving everyone around you anxiety. Just order a damn flight and get out of the way.

SCORPIO (Oct24 – Nov21)
The difference between “passionate” and “crazy” is a matter of wealth. You brought homebrew to the bottle share, so guess which type that makes you?

SAGITTARIUS (Nov22 – Dec21)
Going out of your way to make people smile hasn’t been working out for you because you’re the poster child for awkward.


I read my horoscope on and now I need a drink.