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*NEW BEER LAUNCH* YELLOW SUBMERINGUE

Designed in 1776, David Bushnell’s ‘Turtle‘ was, by definition, a “lemon”.

Yes, folks, it’s that time again. Your rumors are true: we’ve something brand new comin’ your way! The team over at Trekker’s Bar & Bottle Shop were looking to do something special for their 1st Birthday, which we of course turned down because that’s far too young to be drinking.

The pitch they had was straightforward enough: make a sour that tasted of lemon meringue pie. We discussed the recipe and how we wanted to achieve the flavor and set a brewday in the calendar. They even had a name picked out in advance, which seemed a good omen to us – everything was going smoothly.

Then the world ground to a halt.

Ever wonder why these shots show beer in the glass but the bottle is still capped?

We pressed on with the brewing at an acceptable social distance: just over 10 miles. The Trekker’s team couldn’t quite reach the equipment at that distance, so we lent them a hand.

It’s a common practice in collaboration brews for the guest to clean the mash tun of the host brewery. Since they couldn’t physically do this, we, in the spirit of collaboration, assisted by driving the grain to their place and dumping it on their doorstep. We didn’t see it in their recent pictures, so I’m guessing it worked out!


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No, I absolutely will not put a quote about life giving lemons.

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the Beer Baroness: What We Know

Artist sketch of Larissa based on no witness accounts.

Strictly speaking, she can’t actually be called a “baroness”, which is defined as:

baroness |ˈberənəs| noun
• the wife or widow of a baron. The term “Baroness” is not used as a form of address in Britain, baronesses usually being referred to as “Lady.”

So far as we know, she’s not the widow of anyone, let alone a baron. As for “lady”? Ha! That’s rich. Title or no, that word has never applied to her, according to our research. Here’s what we do know:

  • She was captain of the rugby team in college. Twice.
  • She’s broken multiple fingers more than once – how is a bit of a mystery, but it wasn’t while picking out hats for Ascot.
  • She’s been to Ascot.
  • An unconfirmed report describes how she fashioned a pair of reins out of a bedsheet during childbirth and proceeded to slap* them while yelling, “heeyah!”
    (*If true, it demonstrates she is not a rider, as this is only done in the movies.)

None of that, however, seems to indicate how she came to be the Director of a small nanobrewery.

It’s a matter of public record that she owns a 50% stake in The Mad Yank Brewery, the other half belonging to her presumed husband. As neither owns a majority stake, they allegedly resolve all issues through a combination of physical combat implements and an old method of arbitration: Boxing Gloves at 50 Paces.

Evidence exists that she once worked for a global fitness corporation, residing over the marketing department for the European branch of the company. Witnesses claim she departed the company after buying “a one-way ticket to Hawai’i” shortly after earning a pay raise.


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Ladies take a seat. The women are talking.

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The Legend of The Mad Yank

“But there’s a problem with that… *all* Yanks are mad.”

-Michael, who drinks only Cider

Michael may be right. This one is different, however.

I have seen photos of him inexplicably taken across centuries. I’ve seen the paintings with the telltale monogram emblazoned on the subject. I’ve read the articles describing his eccentric claims and practices.

Why does he cover his Hot Liquor Tank in blankets? Is it, as the rumors suggest, to make the tank feel safer at night, or is that merely a story concocted by his followers? Is there any validity to the reports of him singing to the grains in the field to sooth them before harvest?

Is he a time-traveller, as some have suggested, or does he step between different versions of the universe, as others claim, with himself the only constant?

Another sighting, or just a dirty lens?

Could it all be the work of a dedicated few, spanning multiple generations, and if so then what is the goal? While this seems the most rational explanation, there are certain facts that cannot be reconciled this way.

What about the stories of his time serving as a ninja aboard a nuclear submarine, or the reports that he possesses some form of cloaking technology so advanced that he can disappear at will? Is the beer he is consistently seen making his own personal fountain of youth? Will he ever pay me for writing this drivel for him?

It is here I will endeavor to report on my findings; here that we may discover, or debunk, the truth behind the Legend of the Mad Yank.


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I’ve begun my search for the Mad Yank.

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Upstart Brewery Startup Now Online

In what has been an unintentional running-gag for the last several years, the Mad Yank Brewery has been loath to get online, as evidenced by their constantly dragging their feet to get their website up and running.

“Well I wouldn’t say we were ‘loath to’, it just didn’t make sense to pour time and effort into it yet,” whined Chief Brewer and Co-Founder Grant “Boo-hoo I’m SO Busy” Graeber.

The Mad Yank’s Director and Co-Founder, Larissa Graeber (no relation, unless you consider “marriage” a relation), could not be reached for comment, owing entirely to her abiding by the 2-meter rule.

“You are not reading this in my voice. You don’t even know who I am.”

“I’ve been telling him we should have more of a presence online all along,” Larissa happily reported via phone, however. “He kept coming back with excuses like ‘return on investment’ and ‘I need sleep’.”

With a steady output on their modest 1.5BBL kit and a couple of power naps, Grant’s list of excuses ran dry. “I gave him an ultimatum,” added Larissa, “I said he can either get the site built, or stay bolted inside of his office.”

“There’s a window for deliveries,” she pointed out, “and the kids slipped notes under the door with little motivational phrases like ‘I miss you’ and ‘Get back to work’.”

“Get back to work.”

– Your Son

This was apparently the right fire to light under Grant’s arse, because you’re now reading a post on said website. When asked to comment, Grant was quick to defend his position. “I’m stretching out my lower back, stop staring.”

With a conspicuous lack of attention to their social media accounts on Facebook, Twitter and, to a lesser extent, Instagram, the self-proclaimed “regular people” duo of Larissa and Grant have brought their website out of mothballs and upgraded it to a fully functional webshop and information hub for the brewery.


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I read about the origin of the Mad Yank Brewery and all I got was this lousy tweet!

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Starving Artist Upgraded to “Slightly Lean”

Building up an art portfolio is hard work. That it takes time and dedication is hardly a secret, but the extremes that artists go to in order to reach their peak form is something most of us only know by name: bulking and cutting.

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential for artistic gains or get inspired for a sitting, but that’s the territory of sculptors,” says Mire Veli. “For a lot of people who are just looking to build art portfolios, a ‘lean realism’ or even ‘social recomposition’ training phase is the order of the day. This means gaining modern art at a slightly slower rate but without the accompanying psychotic breakdown.”

“When I cut I took my post-modernism too low and in the process worked off a lot of the grand narratives that I had gained. The phases would cross over for a few weeks, where I would look at the world through a dystopian lens and feel good, but I wanted to be moody and brooding all year round. It really wasn’t satisfying.”

Mislitel, 2002

“The constant cycle of bulking and cutting might be a good way to max out your intellectual potential…”

– Mire Veli

“I would advise three total-body art exercises each week, with a modest cubism surplus on training days. For the neo-expressionism days, if you sketch enough human form to break even, or even have a slight deficit, you can avoid piling on American self-expression (in the form of body fat).”

“Using this method, you’ll gradually improve your portfolio and eventually be in multiple exhibitions pretty much year-round, which if you aren’t on a competition schedule is a much more comfortable place to be,” concluded Mire.


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The Mad Yank told me that clicking this button was a form of performance art.